My father was an alcoholic. In that household, I learned to be careful in my interactions and to volunteer information rarely, if ever. Who knew what would set off a firestorm? I knew silence worked better than most other tactics. I was introverted.
As I grew and began playing sports, I found an avenue in which I excelled. That opened up opportunities I didn’t expect, the biggest change being that people started gravitating to me and (apparently) expecting me to lead. I lead two lives. That, I realize now, became a recurring theme in my life for a long, long time. I was one person at school and on the field and quite someone else at home. There were tangible expectations of me in both arenas, I could feel the need to change over.
I don’t believe I am unique in struggling with interaction in my younger days. I knew how to shake hands correctly and that one should look someone in the eye when speaking with them. However, I was not going to be the kid working the room at the roller rink or swimming pool. I was just fine with my one or two other friends.
We moved to a new city for my first year of high school. We also moved from the city of Houston to a town of 12,000. Our house was literally a log cabin nestled at the end of a two-mile-long dirt road surrounded by 40 acres of land. I went out for the football team and had an impactful experience about the third practice. No one had been talking to me. I was feeling quite alone in the locker room. Out of the blue, a fellow ninth-grader approached me, stuck out his hand and said, “Hi! I’m Mike. I’ve grown up in a military family that moved a lot. I know how you feel.” Eureka! What a moment! I will never forget it and will be eternally grateful to Mike Adams for taking that brave step.
My high school and college athletic careers provided me with more and more opportunities to lead and the need to be more outgoing in my approaches to people. Was I comfortable? No. Was I learning to allay my fears and that the power of reaching out to people opened up more opportunities? Yes. I learned techniques from watching others that I admired. Body language was a very powerful lesson for me. As McKay, et al, noted, “One of the biggest ways you can turn people off is through body language” (2009, p. 209). If I approached with a smile and had an open posture, my chance of not having the other person shut down or shut me out went up exponentially.
Rejection still bothers me. I figure it always will. I have learned to deal with being turned down and to refrain from taking it personally (most of the time). In my own way, and with my mother’s coaching, I learned the truth that McKay, et al, pointed out (2009). A vast majority of the time, the reason for rejection has little to do with me directly. I have also learned that if a person, for some reason, goes out of their way to let me know I am being rejected, I really didn’t want to be acquainted with them, anyway.
I now have the ability to “work a room” and am comfortable doing so. I can make my way around, introduce myself, and strike up conversations. As a senior manager, it is expected behavior. As a representative of my company to customers and at speaking engagements, it is expected behavior. I knew when I decided to pursue this career path, that I would need the skills of being personable, approachable, and able to approach strangers. The twist in the situation is the internet. When I go to speaking engagements now, people can Google™ me or find me on LinkedIn™. They may be strangers to me, but they already know something about me! That tilts the table! However, it makes me approachable because they now have something with which to start off a conversation.
The various icebreakers noted by McKay, et al, are all tried and true. I have used many myself. I learned the various styles from others as I watched them work rooms, deal with people, and deal with me. Monkey see, monkey do!
See you next week!
Matthew McKay, M. Davis, Patrick Fanning (2009). Messages - The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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