Hello again, readers! Welcome to week four of our class.
Paul Simon once sang, “There must be 50 ways to leave your lover” (1975) There are at least as many ways to negatively impact a presentation one is giving. In reading chapters four through six of “Messages” (McKay, et al., 2009), we learned about the many subtleties that send intended and unintended information to the audience. Let’s look at some of the advanced skills involved with body language, paralanguage and metamessages, hidden agendas (McKay, et al., 2009).
As mimes all over the world can silently attest, even sitting motionless can send a message. The body sends messages that are picked up by others. “55% of the total impact of a message comes from body movements, mostly in the form of facial expressions” (McKay, et al., 2009, p. 59). You read that correctly, over half of the message sent is non-verbal. Everything from a subtle wink to indicate that what is being said may not be fully believable to the many “tells” poker players look for during a hand in an effort to ferret out information about another player’s hand come to my mind as examples of the power of facial expression. A major part of the catalyst of communication that facial expressions comprise is the factor of congruence. Are the words being said and the messages the face is sending matching up? If they do not, the expression will hold sway. Remember the percentage from earlier in this paragraph.
Other body movements are important to communicating. Cultural influences impart many of the mannerisms we all exhibit when communicating. Do you “talk with your hands”? Have you ever watched ESPN™? Watch the way the sportscasters utilize their hands to add emphasis to a point. Pointing, classified as an illustrator movement, is a form of communication (McKay, et al., 2009, p. 61). Gently nodding as one is listening to a speaker is a form of communication called a regulator (McKay, et al., 2009, p. 62). It is a way of letting a speaker know you are following their story. I use that form of communication quite a bit.
Posture sends messages. Slumping and slouching are generally taken as a lack of enthusiasm or interest. Standing like Superman surveying Metropolis from the edge of a skyscraper sends a message of supreme confidence, possibly even a touch of arrogance. Not facing the speaker, or when a speaker turns their back on the audience, sends a message that the other party or message is not respected or not of interest. (McKay, et al., 2009)
Breathing patterns can be transmitters of information. Deep breathing can indicate a relaxed person, possibly more open to listening. A person that holds their breath at times and then making gasps or heavy sighs can indicate stress in the individual. It is possible to impact one’s own feelings by taking time to concentrate on one’s breathing. I think back to the times the advice, “Now just take some deep breaths and calm down,” has been given to me. It works. (McKay, et al., 2009)
The proximity or amount of space between people imparts messages. I think of the cultures I have had the privilege to visit and the different ways someone’s “space” is respected. In the Middle East, it is common to see two male friends holding hands and walking shoulder-to-shoulder as the talk. In the U.S., that is very uncommon. Friends will be about two to three feet from each other. The space inside that distance is reserved for loved ones. Spatial relativity conveys a message. If a male moves boldly into close proximity of another male and doesn’t exit fairly quickly, the message of intimidation may be intended. I remember the advice a roommate gave me in college about why movies were great places to go on dates. He had realized he could easily glean how the date was going by whether his date leaned toward or away from him in their seat. That was dating gold!
Paralanguage describes the vocal qualities used to say message (McKay, et al., 2009) For example, imagine you are seated on a plane flying at cruising altitude. All of the sudden, there is a loud “pop” and the engine noise from one side of the plane decreases. After what seems like an eternity, but has really only been two or three minutes, the public address system comes on and a shrill, whiny voice says, “Well, folks, ummmmmm… everything is just fine.” The voice goes up in pitch as the pilot continues, “We’re going to have to make an… unscheduled stop. No (voice cracks) worries at all.” Are you buying that? No. We would all prefer to hear something akin to the level, calming drawl of John Wayne or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson on that P.A. However, if their voice is cracking, I’m really going to be worried!
My experience with metamessages is that they can be powerful tools, often used as a weapon of passive-aggressive behavior. The stress or inflection placed upon words in a statement or question can send conflicting messages to the receiver. As an example think about the question, “What are you doing here?” If asked by a friend or loved one, it is just a simple inquiry possible generated by mild surprise. If we add stress to the word “you”, it becomes, “What are YOU doing here?” Now the underlying meaning could easily be an accusation that one has overstepped some type of boundary. There are many people who have made an art form out of sarcastic metamessages. Teenagers have a true knack. (McKay, et al., 2009) There is a great way to combat metamessages. The first step is to repeat the message in one’s mind to discern the intended message. The second step is to ask the person if the message you received is the one they intended. (McKay, et al., 2009, p. 78) Take the vagaries out of the situation and get to the point.
Hidden agendas are abundant in our lives and they serve two functions. “The first is to build up and preserve and existential position, a basic stance in the world” (McKay, et al., 2009, p. 86). The second function is to promote motives and needs that one wishes to remain covert (McKay, et al., 2009). Hidden agendas have purpose. They pose a huge risk to the user because, when the receivers identify the agenda(s), trust will be damaged. There are eight hidden agendas identified in the McKay’s book (2009, p. 81-85). They are, “I’m good”, “I’m good (but you’re not)”, You’re good (but I’m not)”, “I’m helpless, I suffer”, “I’m blameless”, “I’m tough”, “I’m fragile”, and “I know it all”. As we already know what the functions of these agendas are, it is not too hard to see where each agenda is driving. The emotions that “I’m helpless, I suffer” and “I’m fragile” can conjure would likely impact the workload or responsibilities given to someone. The other phrases un-level the communication playing field. “I’m blameless” and “I’m good (but you’re not)” quickly position the speaker in a hoped for position of power. The chances for open, clear communication just diminished.
What does knowing all of this do for us? We should be able to improve our communication, both sending and receiving, by being more cognizant of the power of these advanced skills. I have already been more attuned to the facial expressions of those addressing me and I have been more aware of the expressions I am transmitting. My diversity and inclusion experience already improved my appreciation for spatial relationships. Paralanguage and metamessages were areas of which I had been aware, I just didn’t know the specifics of the terms. Armed with this information, I can be more self-aware and look for opportunities to talk to those I mentor about them. Given the minefields of office politics I have had to negotiate; my radar is always looking for hidden agendas.
I realize now why these three chapters are tied together in one lesson. Taken singularly, each point is a strong influence on communication. Combining just two of the parts creates an impact greater than the sum of its parts. For instance, using a metamessage and a hidden agenda could send all kinds of subtle messages that could be played off as a simple misunderstanding. Utilizing the “I’m fragile” agenda while standing six inches from someone, all but nose to nose, might generate some mixed messages, no? The list can go on and on. With all the variables covered this week, I have no doubt there are more than 50 ways to ruin a presentation or message!
See you next week!
Matthew McKay, M. Davis, Patrick Fanning (2009). Messages - The Communication Skills Book. Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Simon, P. (1975). 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Still Crazy After All These Years.
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